Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
