I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
