i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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