worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
