man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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