Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My vagina is officially offended.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
