when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
