I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
