how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
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I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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