i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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