i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
