i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
