Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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