Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
did i just pee glitter
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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