cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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