Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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