idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
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Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
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Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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