yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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