yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Let's paint friendship bongs
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
