Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
