I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
