haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
