We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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