if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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