Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
