Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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