Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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