why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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