he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
