i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
