this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
