It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
