I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
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Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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