You smell like a Billy Joel song
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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