i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
