He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
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I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
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Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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