if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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