the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
