im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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