come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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