Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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