Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
