I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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