The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
