You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Actions speak louder than pants.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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