Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
