i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
