I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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