I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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