anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
