im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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