Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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