Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
