If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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