I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
